Don’t you think it is a little insecure though? June 19, 2013, 12:14 pm, Nope, not what I’m saying. June 19, 2013, 11:07 am, I just wanted to say that I agree with pretty much everything you’ve said in this thread so far. She said that she didn’t really care that he didn’t ever tell her she was beautiful because she assumed he thought it. I’m also not meaning to say she’s shallow and therefore a bad person. June 19, 2013, 10:32 am. “You ARE taking a positive comment about someone else and equating it as being a negative comment about you, when there’s absolutely no evidence of that being the case. He’ll always try and make eye contact if he’s interested, and that certainly means you’re a catch. Does that resonate at all, when you review his actions and attitudes, your sex life in general, the kind of compliments he does pay you, etc.? weird. You bring up a really good point. every culture has some type of it. I think she’s just saying that she thought her looks would be appreciated by him, and since they’re not, she’s confused and flustered. I get a definite contemptuous vibe…like she was doing him a favour and now if offended that the guy she lowered her standards for isn’t all that appreciative. What are they? Yea, see it honestly doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I would want my daughter to have a good self esteem. My ex got a tattoo (and then another, even though I didn’t care for them), and honestly it really didn’t phase me as much as I thought it would. Maybe Indian men have different standards about beauty or what they want in relationships. June 19, 2013, 2:57 pm. And then he says cryptic stuff that I would totally have interpreted the way the LW did. like, im so boring, you guys. No. Not sure why we hold it against the LWs so much. Way to miss the forest for the trees LW… if you don’t like the guy or it isn’t working for whatever reason don’t marry him. And let him know you’d appreciate some compliments thrown your way. It can either indicate what she takes pride in OR what she’s insecure in. It is one thing if you are in the heat of battle and he … June 19, 2013, 3:47 pm. Then you get to know someone and that can deepen. So I know he’s attracted to me. lets_be_honest June 19, 2013, 3:50 pm, Ugh, that should say, “…and even if he ISN’T, it’s for this reason…”, lets_be_honest i’m hanging by a thread, i want my marriage to work but my husband no longer wants to work it out. He simply thinks your attractiveness is obvious and was attempting to be sweet and romantic when he said that he would love you no matter what. My husband of 14 years never gives me compliments. And it’s not the only line where she judges other women of not being up to her standards of beauty. Maybe that will help you feel like he is attracted to you. Anything cute and revealing (Crop tops, skirts, shorts, etc.) So he’d say that he doesn’t care about your cooking ability, he loves you and he’s ok eating only your shitty cooking the rest of his life. 10 Questions | By Seerresearch | Last updated: Sep 15, 2020 | Total Attempts: 14707. and then i was laughing about the list of words that they would have to put on ANOTHER list to be read twice for context, such as “da bomb”. What is your fashion style? ☂. He doesn’t address her actual concern, and that’s not helpful at all. I think this is very interesting, and could totally be a cultural thing. I think stretch to say he has a “Madonna/whore complex” because he says a certain type of woman is pretty. That may be a cultural thing though, I don’t know. Is there something else going on? S ometimes it can be challenging to really understand what our spouses mean when they say certain things. theattack yeah, I think it’s shitty too (very madonna/whore complex-y), but I do think there’s probably a cultural aspect at play. I got pregnant on our honeymoon which we both planned to do but everything just became different. June 19, 2013, 10:32 am. you know what i mean? its a pretty common thing, actually, especially if we are talking about parts of the world where arranged marriage and child brides are still quite common. No one only finds one person attractive, or even only one type. June 19, 2013, 10:47 am, I couldn’t disagree more… it’s like you want him to say that her looks are the only reason that he loves her! As in, they would have understood that you may marry someone for other qualities than looks. Her other two statements about how pretty guys think she is and how above average she believes herself to be would be more than enough, but she wants to add in as many supporting examples as possible to be sure that we all understand just how much better looking she is. I think I’m above average. June 19, 2013, 9:49 am. But a little bit was really no big deal on someone that I loved. That’s a fact. I wouldn’t stop being attracted to me but it would be a hurdle. Even if I tossed that comment aside, I still have a difficult time with her other comments about below average looking women, her fiance’s height, etc. MrAM is too. I mean, that DOES happen, right? It’s great that he likes her personality and that is what counts in the long run but why can’t he give her a compliment if he in fact does find her attractive? He shows me his attraction through actions (he pretty much can’t keep his hands off my butt) and will say how much he wants me or whatever, but the words “beautiful, pretty and sexy” almost never pass his lips. Any of those three are missing and for me the marriage won`t work. I’m stunned that some people can hear, “I love you no matter how you look” and interpret it as, “You’re not pretty, but that’s ok because your personality is good.”. However there still will be few men who tend to remain towards themselves. She didn’t say one positive thing about him other than he was confident – even though he was short – but now she knows why…it’s because he wasn’t in awe of her beauty anyway. June 19, 2013, 10:36 am, theattack June 19, 2013, 9:14 pm. One is the letter about how your friends are jerks: “For example, they think I’m out of my boyfriend’s league and they always say mean stuff about him!”, Then there’s the letter about how you might want to break up with the guy: “We have so many problems in our relationship. I feel like in most happy couples who seem mismatched, the more attractive one doesn’t seem to notice it or at least won’t acknowledge it if it’s brought up. 11. Are Women’s Higher Salaries the Reason for Drop in Marriage Rate? (again, it doesn’t matter if that’s not what he said, that’s what she heard).”. .even my uncles, aunts and strangers, I mean random people say the same thing but I think completely the opposite of myself? I just don’t think they are suited for each other! I get ya. But after 2 years I assume she accepted him being a less expressive person when she agreed to his proposal (she even says she did in her 1st paragraph!) Why are you his? I’m a big former Marine who teaches Krav Maga in his spare time. lol, is that not a common word anymore? About the issue at hand–in order for a relationship to survive long term, there has to be a physical attraction between you. Oh my god now i know where my fiance got that line! I do the same thing TA. I’d be curious to hear what the other “warning signs” you’ve found are, because you sound like you don’t really like him that much. I mean, what gives? It’s something to be worked through. Agreed. June 19, 2013, 10:54 am. Its really something I gave up on early, because I decided I would never be pretty or hot, so I’ll just focus on other things that I like about myself (all personality traits) and I guess because of that, I’m not insecure much about looks because they’ve never mattered much to me. But there are other things? What can I say, I’m a writer, I’m a words person, it doesn’t count if you can’t put words to it. I’m interpreting it this way because of the comment you said he made, LW—““You’re gonna be my wife. Exactly, what was he supposed to do – deny it and make up some elaborate story as to why he said something positive about a lady’s looks!?! I’m someone, in fairness, with a very particular type and I haven’t strayed far from it in my adult life. 1. 4 times in 2013 and may be 6 times during our first 6 months of marriage…..i’m 42 and my husband is 47. i want children he now says that he doesnt children. If she has a steady boyfriend that she’s been with for 4 years, everyone around her is probably seeing an engagement as a done deal. The other 5% it’s because he said something in a strange manner. I don’t buy for one minute that anyone here doesn’t care about being attractive because they’re “wife material” or whatever. June 19, 2013, 11:50 am. Overall, it was just the tone. I guess I could’ve said I doubt I would listen, but I would listen, I just would end up doing what I wanted. I’ll like you no matter how you look.”. I still haven’t gotten mine to read the Love Languages thing or take the assessment, but I’m about 99% certain his language is Touch, because he gets so pouty if I don’t feel like cuddling, or sit on a different chair in the living room instead of next to him on the couch, and he’s always asking me to rub his back or his scalp. i think the bigger problems you are facing is that you are not confident in your relationship, you are threatened by your fiance being attracted to other women, you compare yourself to other women, you believe your fiance is with you because he looks better next to you by comparison (wtf? That is a fact (and an opinion). He responded with the PERFECT answer and all she cares about is looks. theattack It is like generations ago saying one was drawn to ‘the flapper look’. theattack Look, I can see why it would be disappointing not to get compliments from your fiance, and I do find it a little odd that he didn’t just say you were pretty, but he for sure didn’t call you ugly. There are many ways to convey a point, and I felt that the way this was written went a lot further than just stating the facts. Eh, who cares. What if GatorGuy came home with a tattoo? Ask again, and get a clear answer. I know what you mean, but shouldn’t you find your love beautiful? theattack It doesn’t have to be one or the other. ‘OR, maybe he has witnessed you receiving compliments on your attractiveness so often, that he wants to set himself apart by ~not~ complimenting you?’ Baggy is how I roll (Big hoodies/sweatshirts, jeans, don't show much skin at all.) I agree that not telling her she’s pretty when she asks if she is is a red flag (lie if you have to!). if that is the case (and like tech said- does culture play into this? June 19, 2013, 10:17 am. This sounds like an insecurity you have, rather than a fault in the way he views you. Not ugly, just not hot. So this either needs to get fixed and he needs to start telling you/showing you he’s attracted to you or you need to move on. Well, what are the other warning signs? June 19, 2013, 10:36 am, I dated guys who by conventional standards where “less” attractive then me. I don’t think the desire itself is shallow, but more the idea that her fiance doesn’t “deserve” her because he’s not attractive enough and she’s surprised that he’s confident despite his height. I laughed when I read that. Liquid Luck She can’t spend the rest of her life deciding to interpret what he says in ways he doesn’t mean so that she can justify getting upset. I mean how does one jump from the guy saying sorority girls are pretty to “implies that women must assume subservient roles” per Wiki. And what if she is really insecure or shallow? lemongrass lets_be_honest will be older with more wrinkles, bigger waistlines, and thinner hair. June 19, 2013, 2:50 pm. A few months ago, my husband of 20 years told me he sees me as average -- not beautiful, not even pretty -- just average. Yes, along with about 900 others and dialects I think . You know, formally dressed. Does your crush smile at you and blush when you catch them? Being attracted to your life partner for reasons bigger than their physical appearance isn’t a radical idea either. I think she needs to ask him that before she makes assumptions. Okay, by "I got fat," I don't necessarily mean that I got fat-fat. you are young. However the more silent ones bait their time for they search for more than just looks, and if he still squeezes out a decent comment regarding the way you look, consider mission accomplished. I realized recently my husband never ever says things like that to me, only passerby, and it started sinking in how sad it made me. My opinion is that this guy knows you’re hot, and knows that you’re out of his league, and is withholding compliments in an attempt to make you start to believe that you aren’t pretty and need to stay with him. This whole thing read to me like you’re very insecure in your relationship, in your looks (even though you told us how pretty you are), in comparison to other women, etc. Then he said: “You’re gonna be my wife. He’s shorter than me, but he’s always seemed pretty confident despite that, which I always appreciated, but now I know he was confident next to me because he doesn’t think I’m all that great. He says he loves her for who she is. ... I’m 46 and my husband just turned 40. Because you sound approximately fifteen and a half. I’m going to ignore the part of the letter where you talk about being better looking than your boyfriend and therefore he should be grateful and complimenting you about your looks…. I’m only disqualified on the skinny part, but can check off the other boxes. Kelly Conaboy, human to Peter, said, “My guess would be that it’s similar to whatever a dog thinks when he or she looks out of a window, which is: something is happening in there.” Madeleine Aggeler told me that her dog, Cleo , is “pretty indifferent” to television. You can’t depend on any human being to help you feel good enough. Obey? Born to rule with our minds and love from our hearts, a woman with confidence will take away any man’s breath. June 19, 2013, 11:07 am. mochamadness THe fact that he’s saying “I love you for your nature, not because of your looks”, means that he’s got his priorities in order. His response answered that question exactly. He’s infatuated with the woman and hates that you're calling him on it rather than letting him slip into the fantasy and delusion of the situation. I know it sucks that he isn’t always expressive, but I wouldn’t write it off as him not finding you attractive… even though he worded stuff funny. lets_be_honest yes….i do agree with you muffy….i think its just the way she is voicing the complaint…..”i’m so hot, he is so lucky to be with me, why doesn’t he tell me that”….also the fact that she kind of bashes her boyfriends looks as well….so why is that ok?….he never really calls her ugly, just doesn’t compliment her….judging by the tone of the letter the LW needs a lot of validation….that is my take on it anyway. Of course I starting thinking about what kind of questions we wives should ask our husbands, but more than that, I immediately thought of questions we should not ask them. June 19, 2013, 12:31 pm. So he thinks I am not all that. Not to mention, loving someone for who they are is more important than the weight you’re giving it…. I took his comment more as “I love you for who you are, not just because you’re pretty.” It seems like he knew she was fishing for reassurance but misinterpreted what kind of reassurance she wanted. I mean, I know his type – super-pale skinny redheads with great asses. Funny Questions To Ask A Guy On The First Date, 4 Tips on How to Deal with a Jealous Boyfriend, 10 Beautiful Christmas Quotes to Share with Loved Ones, 7 Most Popular Honeymoon Destinations In The World, Mag For Women © 2011-2021. June 19, 2013, 6:44 pm. She is vain. June 19, 2013, 11:59 am. I mean, my boyfriend isn’t 100 percent my type (for example, he is pale with kind of reddish blond hair, and I find dark skin super attractive. In reality, he is drawn to her for reasons other than what she looks like. June 19, 2013, 12:44 pm. Part of it was my own lack of self esteem and self hatred so I settled. June 19, 2013, 12:34 pm, Me neither, I think what he said was “extremely nice.” lol . The LW thinks the fiance should be with her because she is pretty and that’s what should draw him to her. You can definitely do better. Right?! I'm married to the most gorgeous man in the universe. I mean, it’s not like I’m ever thinking about someone from my past. Also I’m really pretty and my friends say I’m out of his league, not that I agree with them or anything…” *waits patiently for the internet to say she deserves a hot guy, or at least a less attractive one who is super duper grateful that such a superior being would agree to date him*. I mean, I’m glad my boyfriend finds me attractive, but its really not that important at all to me. I think she’s just trying to process it all and figure out why he might feel that way. Not the point. I think it came out in 1982/1983. June 19, 2013, 12:54 pm. “You’re so muscular” is going to have to be my “You’re so pretty.” , theattack Liquid Luck Boo to everyone who jumped on the LW and called her shallow and egotistical/narcisstic! She said she was fine with everything (at least attractiveness-wise, that last comment at the end was vague as hell) until she felt like he explicitly told her that she wasn’t pretty. Not sure why you think it’s an over-reaction to say that she should find someone who’s more attracted to her, piercings and all. I think cosmo-India has a blog or forum that may be helpful. theattack I know my wife is not as hot, thin or young as Scarlet Johansen, but she is the exemplar of beauty to me, because of the love we share. Liquid Luck I wouldn’t have taken it that way, but it seems like most people just mean they’d interpret the words as that, not that he actually thinks you’re fat. theattack I know he finds me attractive, but on the other side of this…he always tells me I need to exercise more because i’m lossed my nice ass and my … I’ve had friends who were expected to go into arranged marriages after college, and they were very clear on what that entailed. Maybe not to start one, sure, but not to be a deal-breaker in an already solidified relationship. I think a lot of people are being pretty unrealistic and hypocritical here. Liquid Luck Especially if they already think they are better looking than short ol’ me . I have been receiving emails asking "how to win my husband's attention because he doesn't find me attractive anymore." ☹. OMG! Either her fiance has been really shifty and has been changing his behavior over the last 2 years, or he has been consistent and she is playing Lucy with the football because she doesn’t want to marry him but doesn’t know how to deal with it. Yeah, like LW’s boyfriend knows his physical type will turn out to be mindless bimbos, so he appreciates the LW for ALL her attributes (even her piercings and being taller than him, which maybe are things that bother him, but he can’t control so why mention them?). Most of the kitchen stuff was done a month ago: a new soapstone countertop, new sink, cooktop, and fridge (all stainless.) Contact It’s obviously important to you. as an attractive fantasy sex kitten. I mean, I did get fat as a … That sounded odd to me, too. As in, “I’m so pretty that EVERYONE knows I’m out of my fiance’s league.” I could be wrong there. How one can take that wrong is beyond me…, theattack That’s how people talk about booty calls, or someone they’ve only been seeing a few weeks and aren’t really serious about, or aren’t exclusive with. Immature was not a good word for it, so sorry for saying it. That SUCKS. It’s kind, generous, loving, and most-importantly reflects the fact that he wants to spend his whole life with her! You mention that you think your partner is great looking because you love him. and now she’s blowing shit out of proportion. This isn’t new – he’s always been like this. In fact, the prettiest ones are certain to catch your eye. June 19, 2013, 10:41 am, That is so interesting. But you’re saying he has to predict that you will twist anything, even something very nice, into a negative comment. Hell murderers can be attractive and some of the best, kindest most loving people in the world can have an ugly wart on their face. If you aren’t positive that your fiancé finds you attractive then don’t marry him. He just isn`t so hot with words! If she’s saying other guys think she’s “hot”, then she’s probably quite pretty, just not her boyfriend’s type. And I managed to escape the nonsense my friends got saddled with… There are always exceptions – some aspect of a person’s personality that can outshine something you thought was important but for the most part – I think relationships work best when you come to things equally…, iwannatalktosampson At this point, I’m just responding to the larger thread happening here. . IF she had asked “do you think I’m pretty” and that was the response – well that’s different. It feels just like if you asked “Am I pretty?” and he replies “Well, you have a great personality….”, lets_be_honest Do you feel that he’s attracted to you? LW – I can’t from your letter figure out if you even like this guy, let alone why you are marrying him. I can reason that the insensitive comments aren’t malicious since I have a baseline that says he doesn’t believe that. also: what are these other red flags that have been noticing “since the beginning?”. If you are looking for more, you are caring about way more than just looks. So I asked him recently how he could like the girls who are opposite of me. So how can you say the LW’s fiance is at any fault here? This is where I disagree with you. Some people are extremely attracted to it, but clearly her fiancé isn’t, and that just can’t be satisfying for either of them long term. After a number of years, I finally got over his first (arguably worst) tattoo, & then he got another absolutely hideous one that made me cringe every time I saw it. I’m not convinced that he doesn’t think she’s pretty. Aren’t we striving towards people not being shallow and loving us for who we are as a person? It’s a fundamental skill that’s required for any long-term relationship to be healthy. If its accomplished with other traits, also fine. I feel like the poor guy was trying to be reassuring. She’s trying to establish that he finds her attractive in the first place. Comfortable clothes (Fitted t-shirts, jeans, rarely anything revealing) Comfy, cute clothes (Loose crop tops, skinny jeans, etc.) (And I realize maybe I sound obnoxious, but I’m just relating my experience as it was at the time, being in college with him, around theater people who were effusive with compliments, etc.). The red flag that I got from this letter is not what he thinks of you, but that you describe the man you’re going to marry and spend the rest of your life with as “this guy” that “I’ve been going out with”. I’m surprised I’m the only one here so far that does that. Just because you are not his usual type does not mean he thinks you aren’t pretty. The entire plot of Back to the Future is based on the premise . That’s why I tell him along the way “When you say something like _____, it comes across as ____.” We communicate about our expectations in this arena just like anything else. She’s not wrong — that’s how we say things that suck but are true. What started as a fairytale story is now turning out into an every week argument or crazy fight. It would do her some good to see herself as something more than just “pretty.”, Also, for what it’s worth, I think the fiance may find a certain “type” or “style” attractive – the “sorority look” whatever that is – and it isn’t that he finds the women themselves more attractive than the LW, it’s just that he likes their “look” or whatever, and that seems like the opposite of how the LW described her “look.” In other words, it isn’t that he doesn’t think the LW is pretty; she probably objectively is.